Entering...the Capstone

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The moment is finally here...the last class before graduation. Again, it's not exactly what I expected. Rather than a critical paper it is...well more of the same.  The forum participation, the reading, group participation and a whole lot of people who (if they are anything like me) have an eagle eye on the finish line.  It feels a lot like work in that we coordinate in groups to give our two cents on topics, create a joint schedule for our project, cross our fingers and hope for the best. I know my heart isn't it. I'm not sure how as a leader one would own this process. It amazes me how so many of us can show up again and again for work that needs to be done but provides no nourishment.

The text reminds me of undergrad where we read cherry picked essays of  some of the greatest thinkers of English literature. Although the selection for this class is more broad and abridged it is oddly enough some of the same stuff I read in undergrad. Back then I didn't realize how good the work was until I read the not so great work of the same period.

But wait, there's more--the individual project requires putting a portfolio together. I'm not certain what the goal of this portfolio is but I am trying hard to scrape my exhausted fanny off the floor and just do the work so I can be done with it. I am also looking for others sources of inspiration to keep my spirits up while I push through the final class.

Graduate School: Two Year Reflection

 

When I first started graduate school two plus years ago I felt like a tiny tree in a forest of towering giants. I felt overwhelmed and wondered if I could withstand the weight of the assignments.  During the first course while reading Pedagogy of the Oppressed I temporarily thought about quitting. I am grateful I finished the book and learned the valuable lesson that oppressors are also oppressed. Seeing this has helped me stop the cycle of oppression by not participating in it--even when oppressors bully me.

I am grateful that about a third of the way through the program I was assigned to write a reflective blog; as I re-read these blog posts I see the changes in my thinking, my growth as a human being, as a leader and in how others perceive me. Each post was not necessarily tied to the curriculum rather it was an opportunity to dig deeper into a curiosity related to the class theme. Through personally challenging myself to develop further insights and reflect on these insights I see how I have woven the graduate school knowledge into new life choices.

What has changed?

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I am at once more committed to helping others yet equally hesitant in choosing whom to help. This is not a judgment issue rather I've come to terms there are some people, situations and organizations I am not able to help right now and I do not want to drain my energy on these sources. With this realization I have finished projects I gave my word on and upon completion I tied off the connection, I released unhealthy acquaintanceships and detached myself from negativity (both in my internal and external world). I feel like I have outgrown the old me, released what was no longer serving me and  I am now ready to make better decisions, choose with whom and how I will spend my time so that I may, ultimately, do good.

This program has not had the strong academic influence I thought I would find, rather it has been a program in which I've willingly reshaped myself and my actions.  Perhaps the online format and disconnection from the classroom and rigorous academic thinking is part of it. I'm doubly grateful for this blog as the lessons I've learned from graduate school are the ones here, mine. Is this a bad thing?  I might've said yes before, but I have to say now I know myself so much better and I am a much clearer thinker. I have a big picture view in which most people need days before they can appreciate my perspective. People come to me regularly with their toughest questions and sometimes I answer them directly (if it's a technical thing) and other times I simply listen and ask probing questions. These people leave with a satisfying answer.

Is that enough for a graduate leadership program? I say it is.

Research Methods (Semester Summary)

Research is a lot more than reading or taking miniscule measurements in a laboratory; research amongst social scientists provides scholars and average citizens alike a better understanding of how we operate as humans. With that in mind, this class has been a great adventure albeit on shaky legs.

The purpose of this class was to design an ethical research project--researcher's choice. To me that is a bit like this photo. The goal is framed but the vastness of the ocean beneath the calm waters belies the magnitude of the project.  The main components of this project were to choose a topic of interest, develop a research question and dig into the literature to uncover what others have already done.  Finally the researcher would devise ethical ways to measure the question and submit the proposed research package for a final grade. No research was to be conducted during this class.

Although I could see other sailboats exploring the ocean I was never close enough to them to feel I had any answers to satisfy my curiosity. At the same time I became more engrossed in my topic of silence and less interested in immediately (or arbitrarily)  assigning an intellectual value for measurement purposes.  It's no secret the class is too demanding for the time allotted and I can live with that. The interesting part is that I do not feel I am anywhere near complete learning on the topic of silence or research. At present I would rather be silent on research methods than violate the truths of silence (finding my own truth in silence) and reflection.  

Research Strengths

In my last post (so long ago) I was trying to discover just what research was--my own in particular.  I was supposed to learn research by reading others' research. Now that the class is over I feel slightly more knowledgeable than when I started. However I do wonder if a coherent presentation of what research is is available.

I recently attended a health conference where speaker Daniel Vitalis mentioned when he was learning tough subjects he loved the Complete Idiot's Guides and children's coloring books on the particular subject.  I rather fondly know why these are choice resources for intelligent articulate adults who want to quickly assimilate information (however the research guide is reportedly not savvy enough for graduate students). So, in my own idiot-fashion I am presenting research strengths (or why we should conduct research).

Research Strengths:

• A centralized storage for past, present and current thoughts on a subject
• Identifies gaps in current research 
• Meticulous overview and measurement of very narrow topics 
• Easy to reproduce and test for yourself
• Opens dialogue between many diverse thinkers
• Helps the writer and researcher thoroughly understand a topic

These are the topic strengths I pulled out of the process. I chose a bit of a radical topic which I am still learning about. With all good research there are no easy answers, only approximations. I can say I am closer to understanding my topic but after the confusion of this class I may need more time off to assimilate all that I learned while reading, reading, reading. 

Research Limitations

As I round the corner and head for home I feel Methods in Research has been a bittersweet experience for me.  It's no secret this is a tough class with too much expected in too little time. Compound that task with teaching through independent learning, uncertain feedback from fellow students and late-in-coming instructor comments which tell rather than show and the end result feels like an exercise in futility. 

Once I blew past the useful but dry text I realized I had to conduct a literature review, write a research proposal and organize it in a creative way. Top that heavy load off with patchy information on how to do all of this and I realized I was already up a creek looking for a paddle. I thought this was about as much fun as teaching myself how to juggle. When is the right time to throw in that third object? I can feel it, but I can't explain it. And apparently neither can anyone else.  As I fixed lunch yesterday I thought if this research project was an exercise in intellect (like fixing a recipe) it could probably done fairly easily for it would merely be structuring puzzle pieces which already exist. But I chose graduate school based upon something I am passionate about and were I to lose heart and allow the intellectual process to dominate my learning; I would learn very little and care even less.

My research topic has been silence. In the past I could withdraw into silence with practiced ease. It is no discomfort for me to remain silent. Sometimes my retreats were petty and other times it seemed like a better idea to allow the other person to vent their anger without interruption. However in both cases my silence seems to hurt others and leave me untouched. So I wanted to use this time to find a positive way in which silence could be chosen. 

I felt similar sense of frustration when I graduated from college. My major was English and all my life I loved reading. I came to the point in undergrad that I promised myself I could quit reading after I graduated. After I gradated and separated myself from that program I found I still loved to read.  Now I find I truly enjoy the thrill of research but perhaps this online format is the pits. Perhaps it is academia and I which do not agree.

In undergrad I only filled out end of the class surveys for classes I liked. Yep, all those mean (art history), harsh (history of Japan) and mediocre teachers received nothing from me. I highly value insightful feedback and, for me, it takes a lot of effort to think about and articulate it. So I have a working philosophy of only spending my time and energy on the things I want more of.  I haven't filled an end of the class survey out since the third class in this program.

Once I saw it was me who had the issues with the program format that no amount of feedback would change, I could not see the point in repeating myself. In silence I have had to come to grips with my dissatisfaction with parts of this program. In silent reflection I have learned the limitations of an online class teaching research methods. In silent reflection I have realized research methods may not have as much meaning to me as practical life applications. I mentally debate with myself which course of silence is healthy. I wonder, if in deliberate silence I will learn more than silent teaching has ever taught me.

Murder(ous Thoughts) and Meditation

Dhamma.org

"It is a thin line that separates us from these people who stare at us from inside this cage. The same thing that does not go beyond the threshold of our thoughts have crossed, in their case, the threshold of action. But still we are alike, inside our heads we are all potential criminals" from Doing Time, Doing Vipassana.

 Through much of this graduate program I have sought an answer to who is responsible for the ugliness in organizations.  Is it, in the case of prison the criminals behind bars who maintain aggressive stances to survive? Or is the prison responsible through inhumane treatment to maintain control over agitated, aggressive prisoners?  Of course I've come to realize a complete answer is not available (because it always depends), instead we can only develop a better understanding of the organization and its people. 

Doing Time, Doing Vipassana is a fascinating study that reminds us: "We are all prisoners undergoing a life sentence, imprisoned by our own minds. We are all seeking parole, being hostages of our anger, fear and desire." The film literally shows us how to transform some of the most desperate members of society through sitting in silence. This practice of sitting in silence was replicated in a U.S. documentary 10 years after the first film. I recommend seeing both Doing Time, Doing Vipassana and The Dhamma Brothers to see the power of transformational silence. 
Doing Time, Doing Vipassana from Enlightening Eight on Vimeo.

Through my pursuit to understand silence I have learned to appreciate those who fear silence. For in silence we can no longer run, we must face our true selves. We cannot escape our problems, our responsibilities, our mistakes. Even knowing this, I still study silence; for their is an even greater reward to sitting in silence. That reward is we are not likely to choose or sustain murderous thoughts.

Silence as a Weapon

It has been difficult for me to write this post.  I have learned so many wonderful, positive aspects to silence and that is where I would like to focus. However, when I mention silence to others I am usually bombarded by the person's historical pain from one silent "treatment" or another.  Somewhere along the line of human development silence has crept in the arsenal of human warfare.

Is it an issue of authority?  On the first day of school a child begins to learn to silence her voice.  When you break a rule you are banished to a time out zone, to remain silent. The school librarian is perhaps the most famous shoosher, followed closely by the movie buff.

As an adult if you break the law and are sent to prison your voice is silenced and if you break prison rules you will be sent to solitary confinement. Prison gangs and thugs dominate prison yards, cells and floors; silencing other inmates.

Ok, I'll admit the preceding paragraph is based upon observations of documentaries.  But Western society has long publicly celebrated the strong, silent type male and spread the myth that women talk too much.  It is true silence hurts, even when it is not intended as a weapon.

I recently saw a documentary called My Reincarnation. It was a familiar father son story. Yet unfamiliar because of the reincarnation twist. The son was a recognized reincarnation of the father's uncle. The son grew up in Italy (watching a Tibetan talking with his hands Italian-style was very amusing) and outside of Tibetan culture. The father taught outside the home and around the world; he was greatly appreciated by the community and the son felt disconnected from his father.  The son's main issue? His father did not answer many questions and the son could not understand his father's silence.

Is the silent person the abuser? What responsibility does the other individual hold to interpret silence? Of course it is more complicated than that. Only one truth seems to hold me for further study: evaluate the motivation behind silence before ruling it a weapon.